As we had Valentine’s Day during the week, I thought it timely to talk about romantic love.
Hubby and I are not much into Valentine’s Day, so apart from a Toastmasters meeting devoted to Valentine’s Day, the day went largely unnoticed by the both of us. We occasionally buy each other Valentine’s cards, but the one I bought him a few years ago was such a perfect card for him, it can never be surpassed, I think. He cherishes it, and still keeps it on his desk at home. It pictures a Doberman, just like our sweetheart, Cassie.
Even though the day wasn’t really celebrated by us, it still caused me to think about our relationship, and relationships in general.
Despite what many people, including many Muslims, think about Islam’s views on the relationship of marriage, the Qur’an actually speaks of the blessings God has given to such relationships:
“By another sign He created for you spouses from among yourselves, that you might live in peace with them, and planted love and kindness in your hearts. Surely there are signs in this for thinking men.” (30:21) (translation by NJ Dawood)
Even though God has planted love and kindness in our hearts, between ourselves and our spouses, it is often our spouses who receive the brunt of any negative emotions we may be feeling. Many couples start out deeply in love and with the best of intentions, but end up at each others’ throats, sometimes literally.
Why does this change happen? Bruce Lipton explains in this video that the reason is that we created our loving relationship using our conscious minds, but after the honeymoon experience, we revert to our subconscious programming, which maybe isn’t so loving. The way to overcome this, apart from mindfulness, which keeps us using our conscious mind, is to change our programming to that which our conscious mind would choose.
Eckhart Tolle, too, has some helpful advice in relation to our relationships. He advises that it is our identification with the pain body which causes us to lash out at our partners, and we can stop becoming identified with the pain body by noticing when it awakens, as, being conscious of the pain body, stops it from taking control.
By changing our subconscious programming to be more loving, and by being aware when our non-loving pain body awakens, we can begin to ensure that we are only having a positive effect on our relationship.
The purpose of any relationship is to learn to be more loving. Intimate relationships, such as marriage, provide us with the best possible classroom for that.
We tend to beat ourselves up about the difficulties we experience in our intimate relationships, but when we look at them as classrooms, we might start to cut ourselves a little bit of slack. When we understand that we are all at different levels in our classes, we might start to cut our partners a bit more slack, as well.
When we start to become aware of our own subconscious programming, our own pain body identification, and begin, ever so slowly, to change our reaction to events in our lives, we find that instead of causing an escalation of conflict, we begin to actually reduce conflict in the relationship.
When we receive anger, we return love. Your partner’s pain body can’t feed on love.
A further lesson from the Qur’an: “Requite evil with good, and he who is your enemy will become your dearest friend.” (41:34)
Choose love; reprogram your subconscious mind with love. Be love, think love, and act with love in all that you do.
Even after many years of practice, we may still revert to the pain body from time to time, when it is triggered by a different event, but as we become aware of that new trigger, we may again be able to change our reaction.
However, we need to stop beating ourselves up about it. If we had no more lessons to learn, we wouldn’t need to be in this school.
Remember how far you have come, just as your angels do. In some previous life, you, too, were an axe murderer, just as I was. It is unlikely that you are today, if you are reading this blog. Even if you are unaware of how far you have come in this lifetime, your angels know; your soul knows. Your partner has come a long way, too.
Love is the answer to all questions, particularly in relation to romantic relationships.